My adult daughters have often complained that I’ll have a conversation with anyone, but I can’t help but notice that grocery clerks and other service folks seem happier to help me when I do just that. A phrase I have found that opens a door with others is “you have a wonderful smile. Thank-you for sharing it with me.” Maybe it’s corny, but we all seem happier afterwards.
My daughter feels the same way about me. I tell her I'm sorry, I was just born this way. It makes my day if I smile at someone who seems to be unhappy and they smile back.
This kind of changes the topic, but do you think it would work from a man to a woman, or might it be creepy?
I've thought sometimes about this because of my mother who, in her 80s, had such type of comments for many people, specially docs and nurses (hospital visits were frequent in her last years). I can't imagine me telling nurses "You are so nice and pretty" and not having a different effect.
For me, If a compliment seems genuine and comes from a man young enough that he can't be hitting on me, I don't worry. And I very much appreciate the comment, and his decision to give it.
If it comes from a man my age or older, I am wary but appreciate his taking the risk of making it, IF it feels genuine. And I am more likely to believe that it is genuine if it seemed spontaneous, and not pre-planned (what he thinks women want to hear), and if he doesn't say more, or any further comments are not too intrusive.
And by whether I have been told that before, and therefore think may be true!
I also talk to everyone I meet & my children are also at a loss as to why. Shoot, it hurts no one & of they don't talk back, shrug, that's on them. I'm not going to stop.
The quality of life is all about the quality of our relationships and meaningful connections one to another whether at the dry cleaners or in our homes, at work or on the street. When we understand the importance of honest, authentic communication, we have a better than average chance of making someone else's life just a little bit better. We don't know what others are carrying unless they tell us so kindness and compassion given freely makes the world a better place for everyone.
Elliot, it seems superfluous to say that this is a wonderful observation about life, communications and relationships; but it is. In 2003 Sandra (my wife) and I woke up to the Cedar FIre in San Diego, California rapidly approaching our home. We managed to escape in 10 minutes with one car, our two Newfoundland dogs, our cockatiel, and a few pictures. We ended up driving through flames; the paint on the car was burned. 12 of our neighbors died doing exactly the same thing we did. Our new home of just 7 months was reduced to rubble. With the clothes we were wearing and a plastic laundry basket of pictures, we retreated to a hotel that welcomed our dogs. Getting to the point, to this day, what affects me the most is not the loss of the home and all the things in it (and two other cars). What brings me to tears everytime is remembering the people who, without asking, sent baskets of dog food and wine; the people who picked up our dogs (who smelled like a campfire) and took them to a groomer; to the people who took our female dog to their vet to have her stitches from a recent surgery removed; and even to my insurance company who came by the hotel, in person, a day later and gave me a handwritten check for a substantial sum; "We just wanted to ensure you had sufficient funds to get the things you need." It was and is those ties that to this day, over 20 years later, we cherish and nurture. And it is the actions, care, and love of those people that lives in us. The story is obviously longer, and if anyone's interested read, "The Fire Outside My Window."
Thank you Bob for sharing your story. One of the things about natural disasters is they devastate entire communities, but the resilience and support that often emerges is a sign of hope in the wake of sadness.
Bob, I plan to read "the fire outside my window". Is it online, or a book? I'll google. I'm just north of San Diego, in fire-adjacent suburbia, and I remember the fear in packing up "just in case", as brave fire fighters flew overhead, attacking our nearby fire. We are in open terrain, and the planes and water dropping helicopters had good access, and so we didn't leave. But I always look around and also sniff on hot windy days, on alert. How do you recover from such trauma?
Murrieta CA has a very forward thinking fire department. As a new Murrieta citizen 7 years ago, I took their 10 week course for Murrieta residents in their "Citizens Fire Academy". One of the many things I learned (probably learned directly from the Cedar Fire) was that in the case of multiple agencies responding to a large fire, one agency calls "Lead" and every other agency must coordinate through the lead agency. I remember reading in the LA Times about the Cedar Fire, and I think the disorganization of responders, and their confusion over physical areas of responsibility, was a large contributing factor, if I remember correctly (which, admittedly, I may not).
My somewhat elderly cousin lived through the Paradise fire through sheer luck and divine intervention. My understanding is - there were 2 ways out of Paradise. She asked God (with whom she had direct daily contact) which way to go. Instead of taking the apparently safest route out (which became clogged with cars), she took the route that actually led her closer to the flames. As she raced ahead with fire on all sides, she saw one firefighter on the side of the road, and asked him what should she do. He advised her that up the road was a fire station and to head there. When she arrived, the fire station was being defended by firefighters, and inside a small group of refugees. The firefighters fought all night, from what I heard. When it was safe, a bus came to take them out, to a hospital. I can't imagine what that was like.
What a great reminder! Thank you so much! I shared your words with some of my friends. What you wrote can impact so many as we attempt to simply PASS IT ON!
Elliot this was a deeply poignant column. Isolation is a terrible thing and so many are now suffering for it.
One group of people that have been left behind in this situation are the over 1 million men and women who are incarcerated in the United States. We have by far the largest population of this kind. But that is only the tip of the iceberg; add in family and the number of people dealing with this issue grows to over 8 million. Then when you add friends and business acquaintances, the # doubles again to over 16 million.
The isolation in prison from friends and family is a major cause of recidivism. For many, when they have been abandoned by family, their circle consists only of those locked up beside them. Many men who have been released from prison, without friends, family or means of support, will ultimately commit a crime so they can go back inside. What a sad comment on our society that we allow this to happen.
I am fortunate to spend my days working for an organization dedicated to serving the needs of incarcerated individuals. We provide support services, family services, religious services, and moral support. We serve as a contact point outside the walls.
We also cannot forget the large number of men and women in the Armed Services. Many are serving in very remote locations. Their worlds get reduced to the few fellow service people around them.
If everyone who reads this will pick up the phone and call someone they have lost touch with, the results will be astounding. Urge those you call to do the same. In a short period of time millions of lives will have been touched. Millions of connections will be renewed. Never will all these people feel alone again.
To quote a Beatles song: "Ah, Look at all the lonely people!"
The day after my dad died 30 years ago, I went to the grocery store near his retirement community. In my dazed state, I was was unable to find my car and thus guide the young woman pushing my grocery cart. (Those were the days!!) I apologized, explained that my dad had just died, and told her that he was the guy in the mobility cart who always wore a plaid jacket. "Oh, my gosh!" she said, "I know your dad. He was always so happy. And my dad, my dad," she said, "is the manager at the Sears Hardware store right there. He says your dad comes into the store almost every day." I almost burst into tears right there. (I was a very new adult orphan.) Of course, my dad would ride his cart to the hardware store every day. His heart was in fixing things that people needed, to use his two workshops to make "custom" items that his friends needed, and then deliver them to their homes. His left his workshops in his home of 32 years, moved to the retirement community near the Sears Hardware store, but he brought his love of fixing things with him. And he brought his love for people. My dad knew how to connect. Connections = Community = Love. THE BEST!
Thank you Carol for sharing this beautiful story. People who want to fix things and help people are what this world needs more of. Your father sounds like a very special person who left a wonderful impression on the people who knew him.
I thoroughly enjoyed your article. My wife has gone through cancer treatment twice, four years apart, and as of today is more than five years cancer free. I have to admit it has not been easy. It does change your life, yet for us we were lucky I guess, because we got closer than we were before. During one of her first cat scans, the bulletin board in the waiting room contained a hand written note and a phone number for Qijong classes. My wife had heard about it and so we ended up signing up for some. It was a door opener in so many ways. We took classes over the years and when the covid isolation years came, we were fortunate enough to switch to Zoom. We have made many new friends and continue to do so. We even began some gentle yoga classes as well as Yoga Nidra classes due to some study of, Eastern wisdom traditions. The thing about the whole experience is, for us at least, it changed life from being a mere experience, to a journey well worth taking. I'm not sure it has as much to do with the content of our changed course in life as it does with the new and different people we have met. Anyway, my heart goes out to anyone who has had to deal with this situation, but I know it has definitely changed our lives for the better.
My husband and I experienced that moment as well “ and just like that “ your life is turned upset down - when 5 months ago I found a lump on my breast. I have breast cancer, I fortunately found it early , had surgery and just recently completed radiation treatments. I found both positives in my situation and unfortunately negative -I’ve somehow “ lost” a friend of 48 years- just ghosted me after telling of my diagnosis, happened with a few other friends. I’m 70 - at this stage in my life I’ve lost dear friends and having a small
“ group “ of friends makes these losses of those dear friends even harder. However the good of my diagnosis it has bought my family of siblings and I much more closer - their love has been overwhelming. I’ve learned that the very dear precious friends I have are more than enough they are so precious to me and my husband - the love, concerns and just being there - what gifts. My husband has “ traveled “ this journey ( and continues too ) with me , as does our son . We’ve had many many challenges through out our time together but I was overjoyed to be celebrating our 55 th Christmas together , our 49th wedding anniversary, and seriously being able to enjoy those everyday little things we may take for granted- a great hot cup of fresh brewed coffee 😊, a beautiful snow fall, just seeing my loved ones, that phone call from my dear friend..we indeed need to communicate more , share our joys and be more gentle and kind to each other. As a retired psych nurse I would when asked by “ new “ RNs - any advice for me - mine always was “ don’t judge , you never know where someone’s shoes have walked “ - we most often don’t know what another has or is going through - a kind gesture goes a very long way. Stay well all, enjoy your “ moments “ 😊
My husband finds it amusing that I will talk with anyone I encounter, but I believe that sharing a few kind words and a smile can go along way to brighten someone’s day. It’s so important to be kind.
I’m the Same Way! It’s Part of my Spiritual Life I practice while in my Physical Life. It lifts my own Spirit to “Break Bread” w/strangers and to acknowledge Their Presence. Under the surface We Are All Alike!
Great post. One that I will be sharing. Always thought people come into your life for some reason Ehen you need them (or they need you) some stay for only a short time and fade away . And if you ate really lucky a few will stay with you for a life time. Maybe they have moved away but you still get that phone call in the morning and it’s like having a cup of tea with them.
Having been a military brat and in the military myself, I moved a LOT. You lose track of people over the years and wonder how they are. Seems like people are happy to use social media to check the “friendship” box. It’s not the same in my opinion. I have a handful of friends that I talk to or write letters to on a regular basis. But I also am a believer that people come into your life and stay for as long as they are supposed to. So there are just times when you reach out and perhaps nothing more comes of it. Knit your point is so valid. “Communication” is important. Hopefully, we can find this again. And never underestimate how much just a simple smile can make someone’s day--and it helps you too! 😊
Totally agree as to how important our “outer circle” is to our well being. I can live without the term “weak ties” because these people or the circles they represent are not weak.
I kind I like casual ties better.
Your reference to David French’s article struck many a nerve for me. I was diagnosed with breast cancer as well, a little over a year ago. I told very few people when it was first diagnosed. I just couldn’t say the word in the first person dialog. Some of my inner circle turned out to be very disappointing; they seemed to run away. But when I started to talk more about my illness I discovered more support from my casual friends than I ever expected. They have given true and lasting support. With a cancer diagnosis many people change their attitudes and focus on different things moving forward. That was me. One thing I did was to reach out to people I had lost contact with. I regretted forgoing some of these friendships. I reached many, but bombed out on a couple . To the ones I reached I am grateful. For the ones I didn’t get a response from, I was deeply hurt. Who would think someone you hadn’t seen in 25 years would have such an impact. But they did . So here’s to friends/family/colleagues/ et al close and not so close!
Thank you Elliot for acknowledging. Cancer is a bitch but often conquerable. I am happy to be part of your new community on Substack. I followed avidly on Steady. I too am a member of the CBS alumni club having worked in the sports division for over 20 years in the 70s, 80s and 90s. I knew Dan having shared a few meals and some adult beverages at various events. I regret losing contact with him and even tried to reconnect but couldn’t. I wish you much success in this new endeavor and other undertakings that you choose. All the best.
I love this. I have been, for some time,trying to add a little plus into the lives of those "weak ties" by spending a few extra minutes, laughs and smiles. Recently I hand out tiny thank yous or have good day notes. And, I call those who have to work on holidays and thank them(emergency workers, etc.). I hope this makes tge world a tiny bit better.
Randi is an online friend I met four years ago when I joined a critique group of like-minded writers. We wanted to improve on this skill. She has a PhD and teaches writing in college, so she is an excellent team member in our group. I knew she was familiar with Phoenix, and I had told her a couple of years ago that she was welcomed as a guest if she ever traveled to Arizona. She was pleasantly surprised with the invite and told me she would keep it in mind.
Randi has a generous spirit and whenever something associated with the writing world that she thought I’d be interested in, she’d send the link. We stayed connected even though I moved on to another critique group. On one of her links, I again repeated my offer to host a visit if she wanted to come to Phoenix. This time she opened up and told me about her health issues and current treatment cycle. I told her that it sounded like she needed a change of scenery. She had time off from work due to the school break. Because Randi has been involved with this Phoenix critique group, she built friendships. She’s scheduled lunches and dinners to meet up with these friends. I know these relationships are key to her recovery and will help her maintain an optimistic mental attitude.
This article is so timely. COVID permitted us to become isolated, and, before long, we became comfortable with keeping to ourselves and forgetting the joys of sitting around the table enjoying a hot meal and a glass of wine with friends. This Christmas I broke with that isolationist mentality and invited friends over a couple at a time. That way, Joe and I eased into entertaining on a small scale. I remember initially fretting about the meal, the dessert, the wine, but when it all came together, it was a delight. Both we and the invitees went away with a feeling of camaraderie that lasted the entire holiday season.
I took a chance by inviting someone to stay with us for an extended period, but it’s working. We’re both happy and I see a glow on Randi’s face that she didn’t bring with her from New York City. My initial instincts were spot on. Reach out to a friend who may need to be around you.
Thank you Elliot for sharing your encounter at the dry cleaners and the importance of social bonds for our wellbeing! I also read and was moved by David French’s column in The NY Times. You have also hit on the importance of social interactions for the wellbeing of our society as a whole! In 1951, Hannah Arendt published a very important book: “The Origins of Totalitarianism and the Human Condition” that posits that the seeds of Totalitarianism germinate when loneliness is rampant. More than 70 years later, we are seeing that endemic loneliness in the United States is correlated with an attraction to Totalitarianism and Trump. As you suggest that reaching out and being warm with individuals we encounter in our daily lives may diminish some of the feelings of loneliness and maybe help strengthen the social fabric around us.
I’ve shared your article with my friends and family. Many of them live on the east coast. I miss them. Many have responded to me within moments of my sending. One of my friends from the east coast will be here (Bay Area) in a few weeks. We met 70 yrs ago ❣️I’m grateful that you put into words the love and importance of being connected.
My adult daughters have often complained that I’ll have a conversation with anyone, but I can’t help but notice that grocery clerks and other service folks seem happier to help me when I do just that. A phrase I have found that opens a door with others is “you have a wonderful smile. Thank-you for sharing it with me.” Maybe it’s corny, but we all seem happier afterwards.
I am sure you encourage many smiles with this approach, Virginia. Thank you for sharing.
My daughter feels the same way about me. I tell her I'm sorry, I was just born this way. It makes my day if I smile at someone who seems to be unhappy and they smile back.
This kind of changes the topic, but do you think it would work from a man to a woman, or might it be creepy?
I've thought sometimes about this because of my mother who, in her 80s, had such type of comments for many people, specially docs and nurses (hospital visits were frequent in her last years). I can't imagine me telling nurses "You are so nice and pretty" and not having a different effect.
For me, If a compliment seems genuine and comes from a man young enough that he can't be hitting on me, I don't worry. And I very much appreciate the comment, and his decision to give it.
If it comes from a man my age or older, I am wary but appreciate his taking the risk of making it, IF it feels genuine. And I am more likely to believe that it is genuine if it seemed spontaneous, and not pre-planned (what he thinks women want to hear), and if he doesn't say more, or any further comments are not too intrusive.
And by whether I have been told that before, and therefore think may be true!
I also talk to everyone I meet & my children are also at a loss as to why. Shoot, it hurts no one & of they don't talk back, shrug, that's on them. I'm not going to stop.
Eliot,
The quality of life is all about the quality of our relationships and meaningful connections one to another whether at the dry cleaners or in our homes, at work or on the street. When we understand the importance of honest, authentic communication, we have a better than average chance of making someone else's life just a little bit better. We don't know what others are carrying unless they tell us so kindness and compassion given freely makes the world a better place for everyone.
Touché!
Elliot, it seems superfluous to say that this is a wonderful observation about life, communications and relationships; but it is. In 2003 Sandra (my wife) and I woke up to the Cedar FIre in San Diego, California rapidly approaching our home. We managed to escape in 10 minutes with one car, our two Newfoundland dogs, our cockatiel, and a few pictures. We ended up driving through flames; the paint on the car was burned. 12 of our neighbors died doing exactly the same thing we did. Our new home of just 7 months was reduced to rubble. With the clothes we were wearing and a plastic laundry basket of pictures, we retreated to a hotel that welcomed our dogs. Getting to the point, to this day, what affects me the most is not the loss of the home and all the things in it (and two other cars). What brings me to tears everytime is remembering the people who, without asking, sent baskets of dog food and wine; the people who picked up our dogs (who smelled like a campfire) and took them to a groomer; to the people who took our female dog to their vet to have her stitches from a recent surgery removed; and even to my insurance company who came by the hotel, in person, a day later and gave me a handwritten check for a substantial sum; "We just wanted to ensure you had sufficient funds to get the things you need." It was and is those ties that to this day, over 20 years later, we cherish and nurture. And it is the actions, care, and love of those people that lives in us. The story is obviously longer, and if anyone's interested read, "The Fire Outside My Window."
Thank you Bob for sharing your story. One of the things about natural disasters is they devastate entire communities, but the resilience and support that often emerges is a sign of hope in the wake of sadness.
Bob, I plan to read "the fire outside my window". Is it online, or a book? I'll google. I'm just north of San Diego, in fire-adjacent suburbia, and I remember the fear in packing up "just in case", as brave fire fighters flew overhead, attacking our nearby fire. We are in open terrain, and the planes and water dropping helicopters had good access, and so we didn't leave. But I always look around and also sniff on hot windy days, on alert. How do you recover from such trauma?
Sharon, here you go. https://www.amazon.com/Fire-Outside-My-Window-Californias/dp/B0CL7NVYHT/ref=sr_1_1?crid=359NQRIWCYDT&keywords=the+fire+outside+my+window&qid=1705773883&s=books&sprefix=the+fire+ou%2Cstripbooks%2C322&sr=1-1
Sharon, I think the book will answer your question about recovery.
Thank you!
Murrieta CA has a very forward thinking fire department. As a new Murrieta citizen 7 years ago, I took their 10 week course for Murrieta residents in their "Citizens Fire Academy". One of the many things I learned (probably learned directly from the Cedar Fire) was that in the case of multiple agencies responding to a large fire, one agency calls "Lead" and every other agency must coordinate through the lead agency. I remember reading in the LA Times about the Cedar Fire, and I think the disorganization of responders, and their confusion over physical areas of responsibility, was a large contributing factor, if I remember correctly (which, admittedly, I may not).
My somewhat elderly cousin lived through the Paradise fire through sheer luck and divine intervention. My understanding is - there were 2 ways out of Paradise. She asked God (with whom she had direct daily contact) which way to go. Instead of taking the apparently safest route out (which became clogged with cars), she took the route that actually led her closer to the flames. As she raced ahead with fire on all sides, she saw one firefighter on the side of the road, and asked him what should she do. He advised her that up the road was a fire station and to head there. When she arrived, the fire station was being defended by firefighters, and inside a small group of refugees. The firefighters fought all night, from what I heard. When it was safe, a bus came to take them out, to a hospital. I can't imagine what that was like.
What a great reminder! Thank you so much! I shared your words with some of my friends. What you wrote can impact so many as we attempt to simply PASS IT ON!
Thank you! Sjd
Elliot this was a deeply poignant column. Isolation is a terrible thing and so many are now suffering for it.
One group of people that have been left behind in this situation are the over 1 million men and women who are incarcerated in the United States. We have by far the largest population of this kind. But that is only the tip of the iceberg; add in family and the number of people dealing with this issue grows to over 8 million. Then when you add friends and business acquaintances, the # doubles again to over 16 million.
The isolation in prison from friends and family is a major cause of recidivism. For many, when they have been abandoned by family, their circle consists only of those locked up beside them. Many men who have been released from prison, without friends, family or means of support, will ultimately commit a crime so they can go back inside. What a sad comment on our society that we allow this to happen.
I am fortunate to spend my days working for an organization dedicated to serving the needs of incarcerated individuals. We provide support services, family services, religious services, and moral support. We serve as a contact point outside the walls.
We also cannot forget the large number of men and women in the Armed Services. Many are serving in very remote locations. Their worlds get reduced to the few fellow service people around them.
If everyone who reads this will pick up the phone and call someone they have lost touch with, the results will be astounding. Urge those you call to do the same. In a short period of time millions of lives will have been touched. Millions of connections will be renewed. Never will all these people feel alone again.
To quote a Beatles song: "Ah, Look at all the lonely people!"
Thank you Richard for sharing these important points. I am so grateful for you adding to the conversation.
The day after my dad died 30 years ago, I went to the grocery store near his retirement community. In my dazed state, I was was unable to find my car and thus guide the young woman pushing my grocery cart. (Those were the days!!) I apologized, explained that my dad had just died, and told her that he was the guy in the mobility cart who always wore a plaid jacket. "Oh, my gosh!" she said, "I know your dad. He was always so happy. And my dad, my dad," she said, "is the manager at the Sears Hardware store right there. He says your dad comes into the store almost every day." I almost burst into tears right there. (I was a very new adult orphan.) Of course, my dad would ride his cart to the hardware store every day. His heart was in fixing things that people needed, to use his two workshops to make "custom" items that his friends needed, and then deliver them to their homes. His left his workshops in his home of 32 years, moved to the retirement community near the Sears Hardware store, but he brought his love of fixing things with him. And he brought his love for people. My dad knew how to connect. Connections = Community = Love. THE BEST!
Thank you Carol for sharing this beautiful story. People who want to fix things and help people are what this world needs more of. Your father sounds like a very special person who left a wonderful impression on the people who knew him.
I thoroughly enjoyed your article. My wife has gone through cancer treatment twice, four years apart, and as of today is more than five years cancer free. I have to admit it has not been easy. It does change your life, yet for us we were lucky I guess, because we got closer than we were before. During one of her first cat scans, the bulletin board in the waiting room contained a hand written note and a phone number for Qijong classes. My wife had heard about it and so we ended up signing up for some. It was a door opener in so many ways. We took classes over the years and when the covid isolation years came, we were fortunate enough to switch to Zoom. We have made many new friends and continue to do so. We even began some gentle yoga classes as well as Yoga Nidra classes due to some study of, Eastern wisdom traditions. The thing about the whole experience is, for us at least, it changed life from being a mere experience, to a journey well worth taking. I'm not sure it has as much to do with the content of our changed course in life as it does with the new and different people we have met. Anyway, my heart goes out to anyone who has had to deal with this situation, but I know it has definitely changed our lives for the better.
Glad to hear your wife is cancer free. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2022, so I know. Best of luck for many many more cancer free years.
My husband and I experienced that moment as well “ and just like that “ your life is turned upset down - when 5 months ago I found a lump on my breast. I have breast cancer, I fortunately found it early , had surgery and just recently completed radiation treatments. I found both positives in my situation and unfortunately negative -I’ve somehow “ lost” a friend of 48 years- just ghosted me after telling of my diagnosis, happened with a few other friends. I’m 70 - at this stage in my life I’ve lost dear friends and having a small
“ group “ of friends makes these losses of those dear friends even harder. However the good of my diagnosis it has bought my family of siblings and I much more closer - their love has been overwhelming. I’ve learned that the very dear precious friends I have are more than enough they are so precious to me and my husband - the love, concerns and just being there - what gifts. My husband has “ traveled “ this journey ( and continues too ) with me , as does our son . We’ve had many many challenges through out our time together but I was overjoyed to be celebrating our 55 th Christmas together , our 49th wedding anniversary, and seriously being able to enjoy those everyday little things we may take for granted- a great hot cup of fresh brewed coffee 😊, a beautiful snow fall, just seeing my loved ones, that phone call from my dear friend..we indeed need to communicate more , share our joys and be more gentle and kind to each other. As a retired psych nurse I would when asked by “ new “ RNs - any advice for me - mine always was “ don’t judge , you never know where someone’s shoes have walked “ - we most often don’t know what another has or is going through - a kind gesture goes a very long way. Stay well all, enjoy your “ moments “ 😊
Stay strong. The people who ghost are the ones experiencing the loss.
Thank you ❤️
Sending a hug.
I hope you continue to stay well.
My husband finds it amusing that I will talk with anyone I encounter, but I believe that sharing a few kind words and a smile can go along way to brighten someone’s day. It’s so important to be kind.
I’m the Same Way! It’s Part of my Spiritual Life I practice while in my Physical Life. It lifts my own Spirit to “Break Bread” w/strangers and to acknowledge Their Presence. Under the surface We Are All Alike!
Thanks Elliott. I have been engaging with you for a while now - first on Steady, And now here as well.
Public engagement by ordinary people is the highest form of civilized society.
Great post. One that I will be sharing. Always thought people come into your life for some reason Ehen you need them (or they need you) some stay for only a short time and fade away . And if you ate really lucky a few will stay with you for a life time. Maybe they have moved away but you still get that phone call in the morning and it’s like having a cup of tea with them.
Excellent article, Elliot. This is why I never turn down a conversation with anyone.
I agree. Excellent! I shared on my social media pages.
Having been a military brat and in the military myself, I moved a LOT. You lose track of people over the years and wonder how they are. Seems like people are happy to use social media to check the “friendship” box. It’s not the same in my opinion. I have a handful of friends that I talk to or write letters to on a regular basis. But I also am a believer that people come into your life and stay for as long as they are supposed to. So there are just times when you reach out and perhaps nothing more comes of it. Knit your point is so valid. “Communication” is important. Hopefully, we can find this again. And never underestimate how much just a simple smile can make someone’s day--and it helps you too! 😊
Elliot…..a truly beautiful essay.
Totally agree as to how important our “outer circle” is to our well being. I can live without the term “weak ties” because these people or the circles they represent are not weak.
I kind I like casual ties better.
Your reference to David French’s article struck many a nerve for me. I was diagnosed with breast cancer as well, a little over a year ago. I told very few people when it was first diagnosed. I just couldn’t say the word in the first person dialog. Some of my inner circle turned out to be very disappointing; they seemed to run away. But when I started to talk more about my illness I discovered more support from my casual friends than I ever expected. They have given true and lasting support. With a cancer diagnosis many people change their attitudes and focus on different things moving forward. That was me. One thing I did was to reach out to people I had lost contact with. I regretted forgoing some of these friendships. I reached many, but bombed out on a couple . To the ones I reached I am grateful. For the ones I didn’t get a response from, I was deeply hurt. Who would think someone you hadn’t seen in 25 years would have such an impact. But they did . So here’s to friends/family/colleagues/ et al close and not so close!
Thank you Janis for sharing your story. Best wishes on your health. And thank you very much for being here as part of this community.
Thank you Elliot for acknowledging. Cancer is a bitch but often conquerable. I am happy to be part of your new community on Substack. I followed avidly on Steady. I too am a member of the CBS alumni club having worked in the sports division for over 20 years in the 70s, 80s and 90s. I knew Dan having shared a few meals and some adult beverages at various events. I regret losing contact with him and even tried to reconnect but couldn’t. I wish you much success in this new endeavor and other undertakings that you choose. All the best.
300 days until Election Day
33 days until pitchers and catchers
I love this. I have been, for some time,trying to add a little plus into the lives of those "weak ties" by spending a few extra minutes, laughs and smiles. Recently I hand out tiny thank yous or have good day notes. And, I call those who have to work on holidays and thank them(emergency workers, etc.). I hope this makes tge world a tiny bit better.
Randi is an online friend I met four years ago when I joined a critique group of like-minded writers. We wanted to improve on this skill. She has a PhD and teaches writing in college, so she is an excellent team member in our group. I knew she was familiar with Phoenix, and I had told her a couple of years ago that she was welcomed as a guest if she ever traveled to Arizona. She was pleasantly surprised with the invite and told me she would keep it in mind.
Randi has a generous spirit and whenever something associated with the writing world that she thought I’d be interested in, she’d send the link. We stayed connected even though I moved on to another critique group. On one of her links, I again repeated my offer to host a visit if she wanted to come to Phoenix. This time she opened up and told me about her health issues and current treatment cycle. I told her that it sounded like she needed a change of scenery. She had time off from work due to the school break. Because Randi has been involved with this Phoenix critique group, she built friendships. She’s scheduled lunches and dinners to meet up with these friends. I know these relationships are key to her recovery and will help her maintain an optimistic mental attitude.
This article is so timely. COVID permitted us to become isolated, and, before long, we became comfortable with keeping to ourselves and forgetting the joys of sitting around the table enjoying a hot meal and a glass of wine with friends. This Christmas I broke with that isolationist mentality and invited friends over a couple at a time. That way, Joe and I eased into entertaining on a small scale. I remember initially fretting about the meal, the dessert, the wine, but when it all came together, it was a delight. Both we and the invitees went away with a feeling of camaraderie that lasted the entire holiday season.
I took a chance by inviting someone to stay with us for an extended period, but it’s working. We’re both happy and I see a glow on Randi’s face that she didn’t bring with her from New York City. My initial instincts were spot on. Reach out to a friend who may need to be around you.
Thank you Elliot for sharing your encounter at the dry cleaners and the importance of social bonds for our wellbeing! I also read and was moved by David French’s column in The NY Times. You have also hit on the importance of social interactions for the wellbeing of our society as a whole! In 1951, Hannah Arendt published a very important book: “The Origins of Totalitarianism and the Human Condition” that posits that the seeds of Totalitarianism germinate when loneliness is rampant. More than 70 years later, we are seeing that endemic loneliness in the United States is correlated with an attraction to Totalitarianism and Trump. As you suggest that reaching out and being warm with individuals we encounter in our daily lives may diminish some of the feelings of loneliness and maybe help strengthen the social fabric around us.
I’ve shared your article with my friends and family. Many of them live on the east coast. I miss them. Many have responded to me within moments of my sending. One of my friends from the east coast will be here (Bay Area) in a few weeks. We met 70 yrs ago ❣️I’m grateful that you put into words the love and importance of being connected.
Thank you Susan for sharing the article. It means a lot to see others want to read it.